Messy Endings, Fresh Beginnings

The past 10 days have been some of the worst I’ve had to face recently.  Decompression from Lakes of Fire didn’t really hit, but was masked by the head first dive into packing and purging, followed by problems with both U-Haul and my landlord, and losing a friendship that means the world to me.  I’m sitting in a coffee shop right now, trying to think of what I need to take care of next.  I’m essentially homeless, jobless, and right at this moment, I feel kind of lonely.  This morning, I was sitting in the car getting ready to take care of the loose ends, and instead started thinking of places I could drive to to escape it all.  Tying up these loose ends is like tying your shoelaces with buttery spaghetti noodles and a pair of broken chop sticks.  I feel like a fumbling idiot.

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In the end, my worldly possessions are packed in a box that measures 8x5x7.5 feet.  Everything that means anything to me is in there.  It’s exciting and terrifying all at once.  I can do anything, and with that comes the niggling fear of failure I’m constantly trying to buck.  I’m trying to patch up friendships and frayed nerves, knowing that if I don’t do it now, the chances of accomplishing it when 2000 miles lies between us is nearly impossible.

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My apartment lies empty save for the painters’ gear.  It no longer is mine.  Four years ago, I signed the lease and started moving in, thinking it would only be a year, it would be a blip in time when I learn amazing things and then go off to bigger and better things.  The first two years were a struggle to stand on my own two feet, being away from my family and friends.  I got stuck, and the last two years have been a massive struggle to keep my head up.  Hence, this year I decided it would end.  I had nothing keeping me here – I hated my day job, I had no family or significant other in the area, and the things I wanted to do were far away.

Sitting at this crossroads now, right on the cusp of change, still a small amount of quickly dwindling time to change my mind and my plans, I am heaving a huge sigh of relief.  While this may be one of the hardest, most frightening decisions I’ve made, I think it is also one of the best I’ve made.  It feels more right for me than any choice I’ve had to make to date, and that gives me hope to keep looking forward.

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Ann
    Jul 02, 2014 @ 14:39:15

    Bravery is not the absence of fear, it is not letting the fear stop you. You will do fabulously because you are following a passion and that pull of destiny.

    Reply

  2. Amanda
    Jul 02, 2014 @ 16:12:54

    I’m beyond sad I didn’t get to come to your going away party. I hope you can imagine a giant hug from me right now. And I hope our paths cross again soon. I’m confident that you will continue to be happy and grow and be amazing, cause that’s what you do. Mad love. I’m glad to know you. XOXOXOXO
    Happy trails to you!!!! Until we meet againnnnnn……

    Reply

  3. salpal1
    Jul 03, 2014 @ 07:38:07

    wow – you are doing such brave, amazing things. Be strong and go forward, being the best person (and friend) that you can be.

    Reply

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